Monthly Homework Assignment - October's Party

October gave a party;

The leaves by hundreds came,—

The Ashes, Oaks, and Maples,

And leaves of every name.

The sunshine spread a carpet,

And every thing was grand;

Miss Weather led the dancing;

Professor Wind, the band....

The sight was like a rainbow

New-fallen from the sky....

~George Cooper, "October’s Party"

This month’s assignment was difficult for me until something clicked.  October’s Party.. hmmm…  What better party in October than the annual vampyre celebration, The Endless Night?  This poem has been interpreted by me through pics of my previous years at the NYC Endless night.  It is usually held the first weekend in October.  The ones I have pictured were taken at Drom and outside of Drom.  

Strangely, I’m not finding any info on this year’s event.  I wasn’t going to attend anyways because I have a newborn at home.  Still, I would have liked to include info about this year's event.  The big Vampire Ball in New Orleans looks like it’s going to AMAZING.  You can find out more here.  NOLA is the place to be this year.  The Vampire Lestat Ball will be awesome because it will coincide with the release of the latest, and long awaited, installment of the Vampire Chronicles, The Prince Lestat.  Anne Rice will be there.  Two huge parties in one place.  I wish I could be there.

Ah well, there’s always another time.  Until then, here are fond memories of my favorite October Party…

Me and the darling, Veronica Malkavia

The late Jeniviva

My husband and I

Caught stomping on the dance floor

Me, my BFF's mom and my bestest friend in the entire world, Emerald's Fyre

Go to Red/Black Goth-y Makeup

It was easier to do a quick video on this. I'm not a vlogger so I'm kind of interested to see if it's something I want to dabble in. I have a few YouTube channels that I subscribe to and I love them. They make it look so easy. For me, it was kind of tough. I didn't think it would be a big deal but it was. There's a lot of dead air and boring silence in my video. Oh well, it was new for me and I hope you like it.

 

This is a look I can do in less than 5 minutes.  It's effective and always looks great.  I can even do this in the car if I need to.  

**Edited***

It seems the video will not upload...  How embarrassing...  Fine then..  I guess I'll upload to YouTube when I get to the house and fix this.  Sorry for the inconvenience!

Music is life

How cliche but so true.

I listen to music just about all day every day.  I used to have headphones permanently fixed to my ears when I was teenager.  I even sat at the dinner table with them on.  I was a horrid teen.  *shudders* 

Now I have to go without for most of the day, sadly.  I really only get to listen when I'm driving.  I have a few Pandora stations that I listen to consistently.  My Nirvana station has tons of 90's music.  I have been pretty nostalgic lately so I listen to that one on the way into work.

When I'm picking up the kids, I listen to my Abney Park channel.  It has upbeat songs and cheerful tunes that the kids actually like.

When it's just me and the older kids and husband, I listen to my Dope or Marilyn Manson station.  I love those.  They have really good harder rock songs. 

Then there's my Psyclon Nine station that I listen to when I want to dance.  There's nothing like some gothy tunes to get you moving. 

I pretty much have a playlist as a soundtrack to my daily activities. 

The best thing to do to get pumped up for a show is to listen to the band's music on the way there.  My husband and I listened to Psyclon Nine for about a week straight before seeing them last year at Skully's in Columbus, OH.

And Manson is always being played but especially before we saw them in Indianapolis last year.

Now I'm in the mood to see a show.  But I have a new little one so it'll be a loooooooooong time before I'm willing to travel away from him.  I say that because I live in a really crappy little town that does not have anywhere for bands to play so we have to drive hours and hours away.

Yes, Another Blog About Depression

This one is not about Robin Williams.  Of course, depression leading to suicide is never something to glean over.  It is very serious.  There seems to be a huge amount of people weighing in on the issue.  I am glad depression and how debilitating it can be is being brought to the forefront.

It is a very difficult thing to live with.  I've been depressed for as long as I can remember.  My earliest memory of depression was praying for death when I was 10.  Then abandoning my Catholic faith when I kept waking up every morning. 

What I hate the most are people who judge and, mostly, people who want to give their two cents.  I can't stand it when people tell me "chin up, get over it" or my favorite "everything happens for a reason".  OMFG that is like a slap to the face.  I KNOW there is something wrong with my thinking.  I KNOW there are people in the world with a worse hand in life.  more importantly, I KNOW it will pass.  But when I am spiraling into a bout of depression I want everyone to mind their damn business. 

Suffering with depression is so taboo.  I don't understand why.  Almost everyone I know has had at least one episode of depression in their lives.  Why can't we be treated like other people with disabilities.  Yes, I see depression as a disability.  I can't function to my fullest capacity when I am depressed.  I am embarrassed and I tend to go underground and hide when I feel it coming. Then I'm faced with the consequences when I do come out of it.

I don't want anyone trying to help me.  I feel shameful when I talk about it because I feel like I am just trying to get attention when I'm really not.  I want the exact opposite.  I want to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings.  No one will be able to fix me.  If I want to be fixed, I can do it.  I know now these stints will pass.  I want to revel in my depression.  I want to feel my feelings.  I want to cry.  I want to sleep all day.  I want to not eat.  I want to overeat.  I want to be impulsive.  And I want to do it alone.

Today is one of those days.  This time, I was triggered by my kindergartener acting up in school.  Of course, I blame myself.  Of course, I feel like a failure as a mother.  Of course, I want to run away because everyone's lives would be better off without me in it.  Then I remembered 3 dreams I had today.  All of them worked on my insecurities as a wife, mother and adult.  They made my day just that much worse. 

This time I want to fight it.  I found an amazing article.  It's about just trying to push through and stay motivated while depressed.  That's the hardest thing.  I see this stack of paperwork next me and I immediately think I won't be able to finish it so I don't even start it.  I know how to do it.  I know what is expected of me.  I know who depends on me.  This will put me behind for when I am able to deal with life.  I want to be able to function while I am down. 

These tips have helped me out today.  I can learn to run on autopilot.  That's all anyone can expect of me right now.  The most important thing I took away was to bring the bar down.  I can't expect to do as much as I usually do and I will not hold myself to the same standards.

6 Tips to Get Motivated When You're Feeling Depressed

Bat Fit Update #2

I set a few goals awhile back for Bat Fit to lose weight.  Here is my latest update.



Drink more water  - no problem.  I have a 24 oz cup that I keep full of ice water while I'm at work.  My next goal on this is to make sure I'm drinking more water at home.

Be accountable  - I want to do something more than these updates.  I want to show what I'm eating and before pics.  I never take pics of my body.  I hate seeing myself like this.  But I think it will help.  It will be a constant reminder to stay focused.

Eat at home more  - We rarely eat out anymore.  I think I had a jalapeno cheeseburger from McDonald's because it was new and looked awesome on the commercial.  lol

Exercise and Zumba - I have not been exercising at all.  The kids went back to school last week.  We are down to one vehicle and I have a newborn at home.  I get home from working 3rd to feed the baby and then to get the kids ready for school.  Then, depending on who all we have that day, I have to drop off 3-5 people at 3-5 different places.  All the kids go to different schools.  Then the husband has to get to work.  After getting little sleep caring for the baby, I have to get back out and pick everyone up.  Then there's homework to do, laundry always has to be done, dinner has to be made and dishes cleaned.  Then I have to get ready for work....  I have not been able to find time for me yet.  I will, eventually.  But right now, I just can't exercise at all and it makes me feel really badly about myself.

MyFitnessPal app  - I have been tracking.  I have been staying under the calories allotted but I 'm not losing weight as much now.  What I really like about the app is the "Complete Entry" feature.  When I complete the day, I get a cool message telling me how much I would weigh in 5 weeks if I have the same kind of day from then on.

Me at work being fangy

I have a 43 inch waist and I weigh181 lbs at the moment.  I've lost 10 lbs since I started but I think that's from breastfeeding.  I wear XL or size 16.  I'm finally starting to fit into nonmaternity clothes.  That has really jump started my confidence.  It's a start.  I have a whole closet full of gorgeous size 6-9 clothing that I will never throw out.  I WILL fit into them again.

I just don't want to get lazy.  I want to get moving!  Ay ideas on how to sneak exercise into a very busy schedule?

Review of Spiral Lip Rings

I have wanted my lip pierced since I was a wee little Mansonite (*gasp* I know).  It was all I wanted when I was a teenager but I couldn't afford it or get the permission to do it.  My mom didn't like me dyeing my hair or wearing tons of makeup or my gothy lifestyle in general.  There was no way I could talk my way into getting pierced.  I was able to hide my makeup by finishing up on the subway but I couldn't hide metal in my face.  So I spent my teen years lusting after that one act of defiance.

Then I finally turned 18.  By that time I was working and I wasn't able to do anything like that for years and years...  until now.  Who knew that I would be able to get away with having an awesome career and finally get my piercing...  well I should say piercing"s".  I got the first one and needed another.  It's like tattoos... or chips....  Can't have just one.  Besides, my husband is a body piercer.  I wouldn't trust anyone else to do it.

I've been wearing black or plain rings for about a year.  They are awesome but I wanted something different.  I tried horseshoe rings once until my husband said they're only awesome until they get caught on something.  I was sufficiently terrified and switched them out.

My usual look - 2 black captive ball rings

I found a site called Body Candy that sold body jewelry.  I was looking for new jewelry.  I found something better - spiral rings!  They looked awesome but I was hesitant.  I've never seen anyone wearing them and I wasn't sure if it was possible.  Luckily, the ones I wanted were only a few dollars so I didn't see the harm in taking the risk.

I am so glad I did.  They are beautiful.  They feel great.  The rings were always floppy and I was always adjusting them.  It was a minor nuisance.  But the spiral rings hug my lip and never need to be moved.

The only downsides are getting used to drinking from a glass and getting them in and out.  lol  the first time drinking a soda, I kind of dribbled a little bit.  I can use a straw or just be more careful when I'm drinking.  It's not really that big a deal.  These were pretty hard to get in because of the tight spiral and my fingernails.  The ball was pretty tiny and I had trouble threading it.  I will have to get used to removing them while there are other people at work so it may get easier, I hope.

I am watching to make sure these don't migrate.  I don't want the holes to stretch or get distorted.  So far, I haven't noticed anything.  All in all, I love these and I will probably make these my main set.

Daily Tarot Card - 6 of Swords Reversed

This is the first time I have pulled this called for myself.  I use the Deviant Moon tarot deck, by the way.  This is the borderless version of the deck. 

As you might be able to see, there is a figure sailing away from a place on fire to a better place.  The figure is looking forward.  This is where I find myself.  I want to move on and leave my past behind me but I am having trouble doing that.  I want to be responsible.  I want to be less negative.  I want to be more patient.  I want to be confident.  I want to be less angry.  I want to be a better person and, essentially, a better mom. 

I know what I want.  I'm just not really sure how to get there.  I have too much trouble letting go of things that happened to me in the past.  I am almost scared to let them go.  Their affect on me has shaped who I am.  That isn't always a good thing.

The main theme to my issues is forgiveness.  I cannot forgive someone, even myself.  I don't see how they deserve it.  How does someone who has hurt me, caused me pain or difficulties, deserve my forgiveness?  Why do they deserve to be forgiven without even asking for it?

I know I can forgive.  I have completely wiped the slate clean with a few people in my life because they asked for forgiveness.  They came to me and admitted what they did was hurtful and wrong and apologized.  In those cases, I forgave.  I don't dwell on the causes of what happened, be it cheating or lying or abusive behavior.  I don't find myself seething with rage over those specific things.  I have the ability to forgive but I choose not to blindly forgive.

And this is wrong.  I hold in a lot of anger and insecurities because I cannot forgive.  I hold grudges.  I am constantly triggered by seemingly innocuous things (TV commercials or simple sayings can throw me into an internal rage).  So what good am I doing by not forgiving? 

So what good am I doing by not forgiving? 

All I am doing is letting these stupid thoughts ruin my life.  I should be focusing on bigger and better things.  I think what I am most afraid of is if I were to forgive these people, it would mean I was backing down and allowing myself to be taken for granted.  If I let things go, then that means I am not worthwhile.  Well, maybe I'm not to them.  Maybe I don't need that in my life.  Even if it happened long ago, it may not mean a damn thing to anyone else but me today.

Forgiving is hard.  It really is.  It feels like I am allowing myself to be vulnerable.  But that's not a bad thing.  I may have gotten hurt and it may have sucked.  But it happened in the past.  I cannot allow it to make me this bitter, sad, resentful person.  I deserve to let myself be happy.

When these negative thoughts creep into my head, I have to learn to banish them.  I have to let it go.  This will take some practice but I am tired of letting this crap stick with me.  I have to stop it so I can move forward.  And that is what this card is telling me.