Thursday, October 9, 2014

I don't wanna grow up

I'm in my 30's..  I should have my shit together, right?  I wish I had a clue.

So I've been in a funk, hence the decrease in blog posts.  I'm not going to give it up but I couldn't find anything to share.  I was too stuck wallowing in my own self pity.

I wrecked my car...  Not that it was an impressive vehicle (used 2007 Ford Taurus) but it was mine and it's integral to my existence.  I don't know if I can legally go into details but I can say no one was hurt except my ego.

I've been trying to be supermom since I became a mom 14 years ago.  I want to be everything to everyone.  I have tried so hard and failed so much.  I've learned recently I can't be the perfect wife, mother, student and employee at the same time.  I have been unable to make everyone happy at the same time.  It was devastating. 

I'm a perfectionist and my happiness relies on everyone around me being happy.  Well, I can't do that anymore.  I have to step back and let life happen, loosen the reins a bit.  What is important?

That is where I have been.  I started meditating again.  It has helped get some sleep.  I haven't been able to sleep properly since I went to 3rd shift.  Now, I can't sleep because I have a new little one to care for.  I'm soooo tired all of the time. 

Guided meditations are the best answer for me.  If left to my own devices with some "ooohmmm"-y music and a dark room, I will never be able to quiet my own mind.  But with someone else telling me what to think and visualize, I'm able to be in the moment.  I can focus and let go of all the crap I have going on in my head.  I usually drift off to sleep and wake up so refreshed and relaxed. 

I'm starting to realize, life will never be how I want it to be.  For me, I need to focus on now and my children.  It hit me so hard this year.  My oldest, Vek, went into high school.  Lil, 13, is 13...  Boo, 11, will be in middle school soon.  Zill, 5, just went into kindergarten.  And Baby Chomp arrived this year...  Too many life events!!  Instead of enjoying my time with them, I've been freaking out; on the verge of a panic attack.

What for?  Panic attacks were the only way my body could tell me to stop, just stop.  I can't fix everything in my life and my family's lives so I have to just stop thinking I can.  I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.  I'm obese.  I'm not happy.  I don't want to deal with any of those things.  Being grown up sucks so badly.

I am where I am because that is the path I am ready for.  I have to make major changes to get on the path I want to be on. 

I've become more calm.  I've become more present.  I notice the kids are happier and less stressed because of it.  That makes it all worthwhile.

One step at a time.  I will make it through this year and the next.  I'll dig myself out of this hole but I won't make that my main focus in life.  These guys are.  Before I realize it, they will be gone and I want them to have awesome memories of growing up. 


  1. Sorry to hear about your car accident. But you're right about just focusing on the childreb because if they are happy, you can be happy. I too find meditation alone hard, my brain just wants to keep ticking all the time! Hope things get better for you. And only keep blogging if it makes you happy, no obligation :)

  2. Ps. That is a beautiful photo of them all. You should be proud!

  3. What a gorgeous family. I too have had panic attacks and it was a huge wakeup call for me. Remember, there is no where to go but up, even if you keep stumbling! You can do it kiddo!

  4. I just want to hug you :( And you have a lovely family.

    Jane ( formerly Breaking the Angel, now taking a break).

  5. Hey, I'm in my 50s and I STILL don't have it together!! I'm not sure we ever really DO, but as I've heard many times, "life is what happens while we are making other plans." I'm starting to believe that is really true.

    You have a lovely family, and I'm so glad you weren't injured in that accident. Cars can be replaced; you can't be.

  6. What a good looking family you have! My son is now almost 17. It is so important to slow down and pay attention to the important things in life. The kids and yourself. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of them. I know it must be impossible to get any alone time with 5 kids but try and a get a moment or two to recharge. Just some quiet time in a bath can do wonders for your health.

  7. How beautiful this photo!
    Glad you realized it was running out. Stop and balance are the paths to good and lasting things.

  8. Hi Spookieness,

    Life is a long road to perfection. And you, my dear, have just made it over one of the largest mountains. Enjoy the down side for a while.

    Cars come and go as all things do.

    Try to remember that loss of things, no matter how trying, doesn't compare to loss of loved ones. And people survive that one every day as I have.

    We all go through trials, flood, fire and famine happen.

    You are on the right track clearing the brambles from your life. And also stopping for breath and smelling those roses along the way.

    I cheer you onward. I praise your efforts. I feel your pain. I hold your hand.

    Kiss the kids and the husband too. Smile and soon those big girl panties will feel just right. And remember also that the big girl panties are the sexy ones.

    Good luck be with you for the little one.

    Hugs, Lady Euphoria

  9. Sad to see this as I come over to discover your blog! But girl, you gotta give yourself a break! And also, is it possible that writing through all this could help you get through it?