Baby Chomp was supposed to have his CT scan today. I had mentally prepared myself for days about what was going to happen. The Monday before, I was nursing my little one and my phone rang. I usually only answer school or work calls. I am so sick of creditors bothering me during the day. I work third shift and I have about 25 kids. If I am asleep, I freak on people interrupting said sleep.
I was in a decent mood so I answered the call. It was central scheduling at the hospital. The lady was very apologetic for having to reschedule his appointment. There are certain techs that need to be there since he is a little baby. They weren’t available at the time Chomp was supposed to be there. His appointment has been rescheduled to this Friday.
So now I have 3 more days of waiting. I have anxiety to begin with. The longer I have to wait, the worse my mood affects me. I am noticing that I am very touchy. I am starting to snap at my husband and kids. I am losing patience with everything and everyone. I feel angry. I feel very very angry.
I don’t want to feel this way. I am having trouble finding the time or even the motivation to meditate. I can’t focus on my tarot studies. I want this feeling to go away. It’s the unknown that bothers me so much. The “why my baby?” questions swirl around in my mind. I look at his sweet little face and then picture him strapped to a table being fed into a tube to get pictures of his tiny skull. He will cry and be terrified. He will want me and look for me and dad for help and we won’t be able to do anything. And that is only the damn CT scan. Who the hell knows what is in store for him?!
I have to find time to meditate today. I will find the time. I charged my crystals this past new moon and will use them to meditate TODAY. I have to quiet my mind. My family needs me. They can’t feel like they are walking on eggshells around me. It’s not fair.
None of this is fair.
I’m going to find things to do in the meantime to take my mind off things. I should take a walk or something. The weather has been tolerable lately. It was about 50 degrees yesterday. That’s perfect for me. I love that kind of temperature. Or I can clean. Cleaning is a great thing to do instead of sitting around worrying.
Until then, I am going to cuddle my little guy more than he likes. I’m going to hug my older kids a little tighter. I’m going to apologize to my husband. I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes.