As you might be able to see, there is a figure sailing away from a place on fire to a better place. The figure is looking forward. This is where I find myself. I want to move on and leave my past behind me but I am having trouble doing that. I want to be responsible. I want to be less negative. I want to be more patient. I want to be confident. I want to be less angry. I want to be a better person and, essentially, a better mom.
I know what I want. I'm just not really sure how to get there. I have too much trouble letting go of things that happened to me in the past. I am almost scared to let them go. Their affect on me has shaped who I am. That isn't always a good thing.
The main theme to my issues is forgiveness. I cannot forgive someone, even myself. I don't see how they deserve it. How does someone who has hurt me, caused me pain or difficulties, deserve my forgiveness? Why do they deserve to be forgiven without even asking for it?
I know I can forgive. I have completely wiped the slate clean with a few people in my life because they asked for forgiveness. They came to me and admitted what they did was hurtful and wrong and apologized. In those cases, I forgave. I don't dwell on the causes of what happened, be it cheating or lying or abusive behavior. I don't find myself seething with rage over those specific things. I have the ability to forgive but I choose not to blindly forgive.
And this is wrong. I hold in a lot of anger and insecurities because I cannot forgive. I hold grudges. I am constantly triggered by seemingly innocuous things (TV commercials or simple sayings can throw me into an internal rage). So what good am I doing by not forgiving?
So what good am I doing by not forgiving?
All I am doing is letting these stupid thoughts ruin my life. I should be focusing on bigger and better things. I think what I am most afraid of is if I were to forgive these people, it would mean I was backing down and allowing myself to be taken for granted. If I let things go, then that means I am not worthwhile. Well, maybe I'm not to them. Maybe I don't need that in my life. Even if it happened long ago, it may not mean a damn thing to anyone else but me today.Forgiving is hard. It really is. It feels like I am allowing myself to be vulnerable. But that's not a bad thing. I may have gotten hurt and it may have sucked. But it happened in the past. I cannot allow it to make me this bitter, sad, resentful person. I deserve to let myself be happy.
When these negative thoughts creep into my head, I have to learn to banish them. I have to let it go. This will take some practice but I am tired of letting this crap stick with me. I have to stop it so I can move forward. And that is what this card is telling me.
Wow what a very insightful and personal post. I agree fully with your second to last paragraph. Sometimes it's more important to let go of the past and forgive not for the other person but for yourself because *you* have to move on to bigger, better things.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am guilty of allowing myself to turn into the person you've described; I think it's a constant uphill battle to work through that negativity though and let yourself be a better, happier person.
I was in the same shoes as you. I learned that sometimes, forgiveness doesn't necessary mean reconcilliation. Perhaps accept what was done to you was wrong and move on. In my personal situation, I knew these people would never apologize or ask for forgiveness. In their minds, they never did anything wrong. They never meant it. I knew they would make excuses for their actions so instead of forgiving them, I just accepted that they were a bunch of jerks and moved on. I guess not all situations are the same and I obviously dont know your story. It worked for me. You deserve to be happy.
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