It is a very difficult thing to live with. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. My earliest memory of depression was praying for death when I was 10. Then abandoning my Catholic faith when I kept waking up every morning.
What I hate the most are people who judge and, mostly, people who want to give their two cents. I can't stand it when people tell me "chin up, get over it" or my favorite "everything happens for a reason". OMFG that is like a slap to the face. I KNOW there is something wrong with my thinking. I KNOW there are people in the world with a worse hand in life. more importantly, I KNOW it will pass. But when I am spiraling into a bout of depression I want everyone to mind their damn business.
Suffering with depression is so taboo. I don't understand why. Almost everyone I know has had at least one episode of depression in their lives. Why can't we be treated like other people with disabilities. Yes, I see depression as a disability. I can't function to my fullest capacity when I am depressed. I am embarrassed and I tend to go underground and hide when I feel it coming. Then I'm faced with the consequences when I do come out of it.
I don't want anyone trying to help me. I feel shameful when I talk about it because I feel like I am just trying to get attention when I'm really not. I want the exact opposite. I want to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings. No one will be able to fix me. If I want to be fixed, I can do it. I know now these stints will pass. I want to revel in my depression. I want to feel my feelings. I want to cry. I want to sleep all day. I want to not eat. I want to overeat. I want to be impulsive. And I want to do it alone.
Today is one of those days. This time, I was triggered by my kindergartener acting up in school. Of course, I blame myself. Of course, I feel like a failure as a mother. Of course, I want to run away because everyone's lives would be better off without me in it. Then I remembered 3 dreams I had today. All of them worked on my insecurities as a wife, mother and adult. They made my day just that much worse.
This time I want to fight it. I found an amazing article. It's about just trying to push through and stay motivated while depressed. That's the hardest thing. I see this stack of paperwork next me and I immediately think I won't be able to finish it so I don't even start it. I know how to do it. I know what is expected of me. I know who depends on me. This will put me behind for when I am able to deal with life. I want to be able to function while I am down.
These tips have helped me out today. I can learn to run on autopilot. That's all anyone can expect of me right now. The most important thing I took away was to bring the bar down. I can't expect to do as much as I usually do and I will not hold myself to the same standards.
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| 6 Tips to Get Motivated When You're Feeling Depressed |
Dont ever feel ashamed for being depressed. You just had a baby not long ago and are now back at work, it could very well be postpartum depression. I understand how you feel, I too have depression. Just like you, I too gave up my Catholic faith at a young age. Hang in there sweetie *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThank you. It's good to know someone understands. I hate the bad days. But it makes the other days that much better
DeleteWhat Sylvie says. I suffer more from anxiety than depression but my mum has severe clinical depression and she suffers a great deal, with feelings very similar to yours. If you operate at 20 or 30% (as the article you linked to says), so what? At least you are operating. Take very good care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThat's what made the most sense to me. As long as I was trucking along, that was good enough. On my bad days, I can't beat myself up for not working at my full capacity. Thank you
DeleteOh, I'm so glad I checked out your blog! Thank you for this post. Especially THIS part:
ReplyDelete"I can't stand it when people tell me "chin up, get over it" or my favorite "everything happens for a reason". OMFG that is like a slap to the face. I KNOW there is something wrong with my thinking. I KNOW there are people in the world with a worse hand in life. more importantly, I KNOW it will pass. But when I am spiraling into a bout of depression I want everyone to mind their damn business. "
I KNOW these things as well. But your feelings... like my feelings... are just as valid to YOU or to ME as everyone else's are to THEM. I just wish more people would/could understand this, and not feel like they are wrong or bad for how they feel because "other people have it much worse".
I shall be going back and reading your blog from the beginning, as soon as I have the time.
Thank you!! It feels great to know I'm not alone
DeleteDearest fellow sufferer,
ReplyDeleteYou call this thing "disability", I call it suffering. I have been clinically depressed for 20+ years. Unlike you I cannot be sure it will pass, but I have had some hope just these last few weeks. After trying tons of different meds and therapies my latest meds give me hope.
I'm sorry you're in a dip right now, and I hope you feel a little better soon. Hugs.
I love the days when I have hope there is a "cure". But I really don't think there is.... So if I can figure out a way to function on my bad days, I see that was a triumph
DeleteWow, this is a really thoughtful and truthful post. Having gone through similar things, I can say I relate a lot. I, too, remember how empty and meaningless those "everything happens for a reason" comments felt. Even worse were the comments that assume you can just 'snap out of it' and dismissed your feelings as being something you'll just get over eventually. Depression is a wormhole all on its own and everyone experiences it differently but it's unfair and cruel to belittle the suffering of others with the conventional comments people offer up.
ReplyDeleteI especially liked that line you wrote on "I want to revel in my depression. I want to feel my feelings. I want to cry..." because sometimes that's exactly how I feel. I just want to soak in the sadness, let it ruminate and brood. But other times I'm the exact opposite where I'm craving others to help me out of this ditch. Whatever the case, I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you feel better with time and take good care of yourself in the meantime. You are stronger than this, you shall prevail! :)
So true. I wish I could just freeze time and brood and ruminate too when it gets bad. That's when the guilt sets in, when I realize I'm taking time away from my family and work because I'm depressed. Which makes it even worse... it's a terrible cycle
DeleteYeah I totally agree. It's a vicious cycle. I hope this get better.
DeleteIt's a hell I never want to go back to. Many people utter clichés that make things worse. But sometimes comprehensive people appear in your life, like that teacher who acknowledged I had an illness called depression and lent me an autobiographic novel written by a 14 year-old depressive girl. These little attentions make a difference. Hold on.
ReplyDeleteThose little moments when someone tries to help is sometimes overwhelming for me. I cry any time someone shows compassion for me (or others). I'm happy someone did that for you. I'll be alright.
DeleteI have never suffered from depression, so I can only imagine how hard life must be for you. You must be a true fighter to keep up your work and family and still have energy for bat fit!
ReplyDeleteI hope you never do. Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me
DeleteIn response to your recent remark to my blog posting I came over to check you out and this was the first posting I read.
ReplyDeleteYou said it so very well. I wish for you luck, love, and happiness, but mostly shorter and less deep bouts of depression.
Been there. Enough said.
Hugs, Euphoria