Yes, Another Blog About Depression

This one is not about Robin Williams.  Of course, depression leading to suicide is never something to glean over.  It is very serious.  There seems to be a huge amount of people weighing in on the issue.  I am glad depression and how debilitating it can be is being brought to the forefront.

It is a very difficult thing to live with.  I've been depressed for as long as I can remember.  My earliest memory of depression was praying for death when I was 10.  Then abandoning my Catholic faith when I kept waking up every morning. 

What I hate the most are people who judge and, mostly, people who want to give their two cents.  I can't stand it when people tell me "chin up, get over it" or my favorite "everything happens for a reason".  OMFG that is like a slap to the face.  I KNOW there is something wrong with my thinking.  I KNOW there are people in the world with a worse hand in life.  more importantly, I KNOW it will pass.  But when I am spiraling into a bout of depression I want everyone to mind their damn business. 

Suffering with depression is so taboo.  I don't understand why.  Almost everyone I know has had at least one episode of depression in their lives.  Why can't we be treated like other people with disabilities.  Yes, I see depression as a disability.  I can't function to my fullest capacity when I am depressed.  I am embarrassed and I tend to go underground and hide when I feel it coming. Then I'm faced with the consequences when I do come out of it.

I don't want anyone trying to help me.  I feel shameful when I talk about it because I feel like I am just trying to get attention when I'm really not.  I want the exact opposite.  I want to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings.  No one will be able to fix me.  If I want to be fixed, I can do it.  I know now these stints will pass.  I want to revel in my depression.  I want to feel my feelings.  I want to cry.  I want to sleep all day.  I want to not eat.  I want to overeat.  I want to be impulsive.  And I want to do it alone.

Today is one of those days.  This time, I was triggered by my kindergartener acting up in school.  Of course, I blame myself.  Of course, I feel like a failure as a mother.  Of course, I want to run away because everyone's lives would be better off without me in it.  Then I remembered 3 dreams I had today.  All of them worked on my insecurities as a wife, mother and adult.  They made my day just that much worse. 

This time I want to fight it.  I found an amazing article.  It's about just trying to push through and stay motivated while depressed.  That's the hardest thing.  I see this stack of paperwork next me and I immediately think I won't be able to finish it so I don't even start it.  I know how to do it.  I know what is expected of me.  I know who depends on me.  This will put me behind for when I am able to deal with life.  I want to be able to function while I am down. 

These tips have helped me out today.  I can learn to run on autopilot.  That's all anyone can expect of me right now.  The most important thing I took away was to bring the bar down.  I can't expect to do as much as I usually do and I will not hold myself to the same standards.

6 Tips to Get Motivated When You're Feeling Depressed

Bat Fit Update #2

I set a few goals awhile back for Bat Fit to lose weight.  Here is my latest update.



Drink more water  - no problem.  I have a 24 oz cup that I keep full of ice water while I'm at work.  My next goal on this is to make sure I'm drinking more water at home.

Be accountable  - I want to do something more than these updates.  I want to show what I'm eating and before pics.  I never take pics of my body.  I hate seeing myself like this.  But I think it will help.  It will be a constant reminder to stay focused.

Eat at home more  - We rarely eat out anymore.  I think I had a jalapeno cheeseburger from McDonald's because it was new and looked awesome on the commercial.  lol

Exercise and Zumba - I have not been exercising at all.  The kids went back to school last week.  We are down to one vehicle and I have a newborn at home.  I get home from working 3rd to feed the baby and then to get the kids ready for school.  Then, depending on who all we have that day, I have to drop off 3-5 people at 3-5 different places.  All the kids go to different schools.  Then the husband has to get to work.  After getting little sleep caring for the baby, I have to get back out and pick everyone up.  Then there's homework to do, laundry always has to be done, dinner has to be made and dishes cleaned.  Then I have to get ready for work....  I have not been able to find time for me yet.  I will, eventually.  But right now, I just can't exercise at all and it makes me feel really badly about myself.

MyFitnessPal app  - I have been tracking.  I have been staying under the calories allotted but I 'm not losing weight as much now.  What I really like about the app is the "Complete Entry" feature.  When I complete the day, I get a cool message telling me how much I would weigh in 5 weeks if I have the same kind of day from then on.

Me at work being fangy

I have a 43 inch waist and I weigh181 lbs at the moment.  I've lost 10 lbs since I started but I think that's from breastfeeding.  I wear XL or size 16.  I'm finally starting to fit into nonmaternity clothes.  That has really jump started my confidence.  It's a start.  I have a whole closet full of gorgeous size 6-9 clothing that I will never throw out.  I WILL fit into them again.

I just don't want to get lazy.  I want to get moving!  Ay ideas on how to sneak exercise into a very busy schedule?

Review of Spiral Lip Rings

I have wanted my lip pierced since I was a wee little Mansonite (*gasp* I know).  It was all I wanted when I was a teenager but I couldn't afford it or get the permission to do it.  My mom didn't like me dyeing my hair or wearing tons of makeup or my gothy lifestyle in general.  There was no way I could talk my way into getting pierced.  I was able to hide my makeup by finishing up on the subway but I couldn't hide metal in my face.  So I spent my teen years lusting after that one act of defiance.

Then I finally turned 18.  By that time I was working and I wasn't able to do anything like that for years and years...  until now.  Who knew that I would be able to get away with having an awesome career and finally get my piercing...  well I should say piercing"s".  I got the first one and needed another.  It's like tattoos... or chips....  Can't have just one.  Besides, my husband is a body piercer.  I wouldn't trust anyone else to do it.

I've been wearing black or plain rings for about a year.  They are awesome but I wanted something different.  I tried horseshoe rings once until my husband said they're only awesome until they get caught on something.  I was sufficiently terrified and switched them out.

My usual look - 2 black captive ball rings

I found a site called Body Candy that sold body jewelry.  I was looking for new jewelry.  I found something better - spiral rings!  They looked awesome but I was hesitant.  I've never seen anyone wearing them and I wasn't sure if it was possible.  Luckily, the ones I wanted were only a few dollars so I didn't see the harm in taking the risk.

I am so glad I did.  They are beautiful.  They feel great.  The rings were always floppy and I was always adjusting them.  It was a minor nuisance.  But the spiral rings hug my lip and never need to be moved.

The only downsides are getting used to drinking from a glass and getting them in and out.  lol  the first time drinking a soda, I kind of dribbled a little bit.  I can use a straw or just be more careful when I'm drinking.  It's not really that big a deal.  These were pretty hard to get in because of the tight spiral and my fingernails.  The ball was pretty tiny and I had trouble threading it.  I will have to get used to removing them while there are other people at work so it may get easier, I hope.

I am watching to make sure these don't migrate.  I don't want the holes to stretch or get distorted.  So far, I haven't noticed anything.  All in all, I love these and I will probably make these my main set.

Daily Tarot Card - 6 of Swords Reversed

This is the first time I have pulled this called for myself.  I use the Deviant Moon tarot deck, by the way.  This is the borderless version of the deck. 

As you might be able to see, there is a figure sailing away from a place on fire to a better place.  The figure is looking forward.  This is where I find myself.  I want to move on and leave my past behind me but I am having trouble doing that.  I want to be responsible.  I want to be less negative.  I want to be more patient.  I want to be confident.  I want to be less angry.  I want to be a better person and, essentially, a better mom. 

I know what I want.  I'm just not really sure how to get there.  I have too much trouble letting go of things that happened to me in the past.  I am almost scared to let them go.  Their affect on me has shaped who I am.  That isn't always a good thing.

The main theme to my issues is forgiveness.  I cannot forgive someone, even myself.  I don't see how they deserve it.  How does someone who has hurt me, caused me pain or difficulties, deserve my forgiveness?  Why do they deserve to be forgiven without even asking for it?

I know I can forgive.  I have completely wiped the slate clean with a few people in my life because they asked for forgiveness.  They came to me and admitted what they did was hurtful and wrong and apologized.  In those cases, I forgave.  I don't dwell on the causes of what happened, be it cheating or lying or abusive behavior.  I don't find myself seething with rage over those specific things.  I have the ability to forgive but I choose not to blindly forgive.

And this is wrong.  I hold in a lot of anger and insecurities because I cannot forgive.  I hold grudges.  I am constantly triggered by seemingly innocuous things (TV commercials or simple sayings can throw me into an internal rage).  So what good am I doing by not forgiving? 

So what good am I doing by not forgiving? 

All I am doing is letting these stupid thoughts ruin my life.  I should be focusing on bigger and better things.  I think what I am most afraid of is if I were to forgive these people, it would mean I was backing down and allowing myself to be taken for granted.  If I let things go, then that means I am not worthwhile.  Well, maybe I'm not to them.  Maybe I don't need that in my life.  Even if it happened long ago, it may not mean a damn thing to anyone else but me today.

Forgiving is hard.  It really is.  It feels like I am allowing myself to be vulnerable.  But that's not a bad thing.  I may have gotten hurt and it may have sucked.  But it happened in the past.  I cannot allow it to make me this bitter, sad, resentful person.  I deserve to let myself be happy.

When these negative thoughts creep into my head, I have to learn to banish them.  I have to let it go.  This will take some practice but I am tired of letting this crap stick with me.  I have to stop it so I can move forward.  And that is what this card is telling me.

Bat Fit Update #1

I set a few goals in the initial post here.  I have already started most of them.

• Drink more water. 
• Be accountable.
• Eat home more. 
• Exercise. 
• Do Zumba at home. 
• Use the MyFitnessPal app.

Drink more water.  I have cut down drinking soda A LOT.  Before I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, cherry coke was pretty much all I drank.  I stopped completely for a little while and then slowly started drinking it more often.  There is nothing good about soda.  I can't stand diet drinks at all so that is not an option.  The weird aftertaste from the sweetener in diet drinks is so gross to me.  It's hard to give up but I've managed to cut down.

Be accountable.  I'm posting this so that counts for being accountable.  I think I want to post pics and start a spreadsheet of some sort...  Hmmm..  Any ideas?  Anyone else tracking their weight loss?

Eat home more.  This isn't so hard since I'm still on maternity leave.  I think we had Arby's for lunch one day.  All my other meals are made at home.  Soon, I will like to start creating and posting healthy recipes...  Until then, just eating at home is a good goal.

Exercise.  I have used the elliptical twice.  I also started following Blogilates.  It's an amazing site.  Cassey Ho has tons of workout plans and videos.  I'm working my way through the beginner's workout calendar.  It's killer!

Do Zumba at home.  The DVDs won't play on my laptop.  I will have to use the PS3 which is not very convenient.  I haven't started that yet.  The one time I had it loaded up and ready to go, my newborn decided he was starving.  I didn't get another chance that day.  I'll have to work harder at finding the time.

Use the MyFitnessPal app.  I have been logging every day!  I'm very proud of myself for this.  It really puts my eating habits in perspective.  It also makes me rethink food decisions since it shows a calorie "balance".  After I registered, I know I'm allowed 1480 calories a day.  I am trying to figure out a way to cut down on calories.  I usually have one huge meal a day which doesn't leave me much to work with for other meals that day.

Here's one day for example -

Awesome omelet.  Nom nom