It is a very difficult thing to live with. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. My earliest memory of depression was praying for death when I was 10. Then abandoning my Catholic faith when I kept waking up every morning.
What I hate the most are people who judge and, mostly, people who want to give their two cents. I can't stand it when people tell me "chin up, get over it" or my favorite "everything happens for a reason". OMFG that is like a slap to the face. I KNOW there is something wrong with my thinking. I KNOW there are people in the world with a worse hand in life. more importantly, I KNOW it will pass. But when I am spiraling into a bout of depression I want everyone to mind their damn business.
Suffering with depression is so taboo. I don't understand why. Almost everyone I know has had at least one episode of depression in their lives. Why can't we be treated like other people with disabilities. Yes, I see depression as a disability. I can't function to my fullest capacity when I am depressed. I am embarrassed and I tend to go underground and hide when I feel it coming. Then I'm faced with the consequences when I do come out of it.
I don't want anyone trying to help me. I feel shameful when I talk about it because I feel like I am just trying to get attention when I'm really not. I want the exact opposite. I want to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings. No one will be able to fix me. If I want to be fixed, I can do it. I know now these stints will pass. I want to revel in my depression. I want to feel my feelings. I want to cry. I want to sleep all day. I want to not eat. I want to overeat. I want to be impulsive. And I want to do it alone.
Today is one of those days. This time, I was triggered by my kindergartener acting up in school. Of course, I blame myself. Of course, I feel like a failure as a mother. Of course, I want to run away because everyone's lives would be better off without me in it. Then I remembered 3 dreams I had today. All of them worked on my insecurities as a wife, mother and adult. They made my day just that much worse.
This time I want to fight it. I found an amazing article. It's about just trying to push through and stay motivated while depressed. That's the hardest thing. I see this stack of paperwork next me and I immediately think I won't be able to finish it so I don't even start it. I know how to do it. I know what is expected of me. I know who depends on me. This will put me behind for when I am able to deal with life. I want to be able to function while I am down.
These tips have helped me out today. I can learn to run on autopilot. That's all anyone can expect of me right now. The most important thing I took away was to bring the bar down. I can't expect to do as much as I usually do and I will not hold myself to the same standards.
|6 Tips to Get Motivated When You're Feeling Depressed|